First trimester anxiety

This was by far the pregnancy I had most severe anxiety.

You’d think it being my third, I would be more calm. But my mind kept getting intrusive thoughts 24/7.

“I’ve already had two back to back sticky & healthy pregnancies why do I deserve another one?”

“I’m 36 now, chances are much higher for me to miscarry”

“I’ve been way too lucky to get pregnant fast three times, maybe something terrible will happen now”

I truly, somehow, didn’t believe I deserved this. And it was all ME. It was complete auto sabotage. So bad to the point that I kept having reoccurring vivid nightmares on pregnancy loss and, I kept checking for blood, every single time I peed.

I also tested obsessively morning and night for reassurance, until the hook effect. I was so grateful, but SO scared and worried.

And at one point (a few days before my first ultrasound appointment) I had a turning point. I realized that, I don’t live life in fear. I don’t wake up everyday thinking I could die today, or that my loved one could die today (although those are possibilities daily), and I didn’t want to do that with my pregnancy either.

Sure, I was being realistic. Because things happen pretty often, unfortunately. At any point of life. But, why worry about something that hasn’t happened yet? Why not instead, celebrate each milestone and day that I carry this baby? And if one day something happens, it’ll be my worst nightmare. And I’ll cry. And mourn. But until then, I will choose to celebrate.

My heart goes to all of you mamas who have experienced pregnancy loss, and pregnancies after loss. I am sending you my biggest hug & love your way.And if you are navigating through pregnancy anxiety, you aren’t alone. I hope this mindset shift helps you too I still have to remind myself of it. It’s constant mindset shift and work. And it’s easier said than done.

I talk very openly and deeply about this on this weeks episode (36) of @momfriendspod 

Ep. 36: Suprise Laura's Pregnant! Deciding on having a third baby, how I found out, how I told the kids, anxiety and more.